I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! And I don't mean family planning or anything like that. I mean what do I want to do? What do I want do do everyday for the rest of my life? What do I want to be when I grow up?! Can I continue doing what I am doing? What kind of work would make me happy for the next 35 years? I would like to have something to do that I can decide for myself. I would like to decide each day what I should do that day, I would like something I find giving and fun, something different and challenging. I would like to manage my work hours myself. I could easily live with working from home, doing something I really like. Maybe writing........... But then I would have to get much better at it than I am now! Or maybe photography......... But then I would have to get much, much, MUCH better at it than I am now! I am quite happy with my life right now, but I am in for some big changes if I am to move away and build a house with WB. I truly can't see me doing the same thing I am doing now for the rest of my working life. So I have to find something else, something fulfilling.
My life right now consists of the man I love, but I am painfully aware that I have no guarantees that it will last. It could change over night, I have experienced that before. I have a job I like, at a place I enjoy and with colleagues I (mostly) like. Unfortunately I can't keep this job if I am to move 2 hours away. And I am not interested in just finding another job just to have a job. We own an apartment I like, in a place of Oslo that I like. I have my family in this city, nearly all of my friends and everything I find enjoyable. If I am to make these big changes in my life, then at least I want a job doing something I really like. Something completely different maybe... The ultimate dream is like I mentioned, writing and photography. But I am not experienced enough or even good enough to make a living out of it. I do like cooking as well, but I can't see my self either running a restaurant or working as a chef. I am no Jamie Oliver! I am no chef at all, I just like to cook.
I think I have to picture some kind of goal, something I can work towards. If I had the money, then I would go back to school full time, But I can't afford that, especially if we're gonna build a house! So are my options to just find a reasonable well-paid job doing the same things I do now? That would be the safest thing to do, but I am not sure I want to.......... I should have a bit more faith and confidence in my self and my abilities, I am seriously lacking in that department, thanks to my ex (he really blew my self-esteem!!). With more guts and willingness on my part, maybe I would dare try to do something more about my writing. And I could try and bring out the passion I once had about photography. I do have this idea for a children's book, a kind of a fairy-tale.......... But all this demands some serious re-thinking on my part. And the whole thing is starting to deeply annoy me. How pathetic I am, that I can't find out or decide what to do with my life?
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